The Upside – Being Judgmental

From time to time, I like to write satirical posts that expose the upside of having canker sores.

Today I’m talking about a simple pleasure that we alone get to enjoy.

We get to look down with fierce condemnation at people who eat with their mouths open.

I don’t know about you, but people who chew with their mouths open just drive me to the brink of insanity.  Because usually when you’re around someone else that’s eating, you’re eating yourself, and the last thing I want to hear is the sloshing and smacking of food and teeth and lips punctuated by bursts of putrescent sounding air whooshing in and out of this biological garbage disposal.

Suddenly it’s like my food tastes like Glen Danzig’s back.

Glen Danzig mesh shirt

Taste the rock.

Do these people’s lips not close together?  Is it a mechanical impossibility in their mouths to make this happen?  Dogs have an out in that department.  So do horses.  What possible excuse does a human have?

When you’re around me?  None.  Because I get canker sores.  I have little craters of unholy pain taking up space in the single most inconvenient place in the world when you’re trying to eat, and I keep my gaping maw shut.  So you don’t have an excuse.  Doesn’t exist.  Shut the pie hole.

Now, in life, there’s always those times when you want to tell someone exactly how you feel, but because of society’s rules, we don’t usually do it.  We hold back.  We deal with it.  But for a canker sore sufferer, this is one of those rare times when you have the authority more than anyone else on the entire block to say, “Dude, were you raised in a damn barn?  I’m trying to eat here, I don’t want to hear your bodily functions coming out of your mouth.”

Now, like most people, they’ll take offense.  Or they’ll make an excuse.  Probably something like, “Look, I used to have braces 15 years ago and that was the only way I could…”

And we don’t even have to let them finish.  Set down your fork, crawl across the table, throw down your bottom lip and show them your latest mucosal nightmare and say, “I’m really sorry you were inconvenienced back when you were still nervous about showering after gym class, but look at what I’ve got right now.  This thing mixed with our marinara sauce feels like Halliburton is drilling for oil in my mouth, but since I was raised outside of a gorilla cage, I manage to keep my lips closed when I eat because I don’t want to fill the room and your earhole with the sound of my intestinal tract, so if it’s not too much to ask, tighten that oral sphincter you call lips so the rest of us can enjoy our meal.”

And they won’t have a thing to say back to you.

Welcome to awesomeness.

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