I need an intervention.

It’s time to come clean.  I am an addict.

I’ve been addicted since I was a child.  I have engaged in this behavior almost every day for as long as I can remember.  It’s affected my ability to work, to live a normal life, to eat normally, and it’s affected my relationships.  I’ve spend hundreds, maybe thousands of dollars over the years on this habit, and every attempt I’ve made to end my addiction has been met with failure.

My vice?  Sunflower seeds.

Dave Chappelle crackhead sunflower seeds

Did someone say seeds?

I nosh on sunflower seeds almost every single day.  Literally.  I buy them in bulk from Whole Foods consistently, on a weekly basis, and destroy the bag in a matter of days.  I have actually worn down the front two teeth in my mouth and had to have them bonded TWICE because of this.  And of course, all of that seed, shell, and salt grinding around in my mouth does wonders for my RAS.

Maybe I have ADD, because there’s something about working on a mouthful of sunflower seeds that seems to focus my brain, and when I’m writing or otherwise concentrating on something I’m working on, I practically can’t function without it.  It’s like the act of noshing takes up the areas of my brain that want to wander and focus on something else, leaving only that which I am trying to accomplish in front of me.  Part of me wants to give credit for most of my life’s accomplishments to the David Sunflower Seed Company.

Bag of Sunflower seeds

The Devil.

I decided this was a problem last night as I was working late on a writing project.  I haven’t had any seeds in a while – a week or so – in a mini-experiment to see if it would make a difference in my ulcers.  About 10:30, with my wife already in bed, I was practically scratching all over, going into withdrawal, desperate for something to nosh on.  I tried to supplant it with food.  Two problems, one, not much food in the house, and two, I wind up consuming all manner of horrible stuff that doesn’t help anything.  After over an hour of only writing a few words as my mind drifted from one random thought to another, and probably 20 minutes of just pacing around my house in a fit, I finally hopped in my car and ran to the nearest convenience store for a fix.

It was closed.  So I drove further to a grocery store, where as grocery stores do, they only had one aisle open with a line 15 people deep.  I wasn’t going to stand in line for 30 minutes just to buy a bag of sunflower seeds, so I drove even further to another gas station, where I finally bought my seeds, behind a family of non-English speaking migrant workers scratching off lottery tickets.

45 minutes later I finally got home and returned to work.

This is clearly a problem.  And I don’t know how to fix it.

Dr. Drew from Celebrity Rehab

We need to talk…

I honestly wonder if breaking this habit would make a big difference in my RAS, but every effort I’ve made to do so has failed.  I tried replacing it with gum, but it didn’t work.  Maybe I need an Office Space – style hypnotherapy.  Anybody have any ideas?

I am fast on my way to performing sexual favors in back alleys for sunflower seeds.

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